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Interview: Satchel of Steel Panther Takes 'Balls Out' Approach to Gear, Strippers and New Album

Interview: Satchel of Steel Panther Takes 'Balls Out' Approach to Gear, Strippers and New Album

It's my favorite.

Oh, I'm so glad. Like that. If you have a girlfriend, when you leave the house, it's kind of understood that even though your heart still belongs to her that your penis might go into some other vaginas here and there.

You take your girlfriends out and show them a good time with the money you earn from the band. So really, when you bang those other chicks, you're really doing it for your girlfriend.

Yes! See? Now you're starting to understand this. Yes! You are a cool chick.

How did you convince Chad Kroeger to join you on "It Won't Suck Itself"?

Well, it was not easy to do. He is a very busy guy. We asked if he would write a song with us and after we gave him $25,000 he was like totally into it. So we gave him a bunch of money, and then we went and hung out with him. We went to his house in Vancouver. He's got a mansion. He's got a hockey rink in his house. Amazing. I'm not kidding. A real hockey rink. He was down there playing hockey and we were like, "Holy shit." But we wrote a song with him, and it was bitchin'. He's got a bitchin' studio and he's got like an engineer, and he's got like six different girlfriends in his house. And they all live in different parts of the house and each one of the girlfriends doesn't know that the other one exists. That's how big his house is. He keeps them locked in different parts of the house. It's crazy. So we wrote a song with him and it was fun.

Did you try to out-shred Nuno Bettencourt on that track or did you hold back since he was a guest?

Actually, he's the only one who plays lead guitar on that song, and he was awesome. Nuno is an awesome guitar player, so there is no out-shredding Nuno Bettencourt. I would love to out-shred Nuno Bettencourt but I'm older than him. I've got arthritis, so it's not easy to shred like that for me. But the cool thing is I look just as good as Nuno Bettencourt and that's the only thing that matters to me. And I think Nuno knows that. He knows that I'm hot. It's probably not easy for him to deal with. I sense a little bit of jealousy sometimes from Nuno 'cuz he knows I'm hot. But he's good looking', don't get me wrong. He might be able to outshine me but he can't outshine me with like hotness.

You have a song called "Just Like Tiger Woods" on the new album. Does he know you wrote that song about his experiences?

I think he does know, actually. I don't think he's heard it yet but he will hear it, 'cuz we know some people that know Tiger and I know a guy that's gonna put the CD in Tiger's locker. The guy's on the PGA tour. He's gonna put the CD in Tiger's locker and make sure that Tiger hears the song. So I think Tiger's gonna be stoked, because who wouldn't want a bitchin' song written about how many girls he's had sex with? We're promoting Tiger. He should be happy. He needs promotion now.

I was thinking: Charlie Sheen, he's a free agent right now. He knows porn stars and he knows drugs, and he knows entertainment. Do you think there could be a spot in Steel Panther for him?

Well, first of all I love Charlie Sheen, and he parties hard. We mention him on the new record. We sing about him in the song "Tomorrow Night." He's bad-ass but he's just not good-looking' enough to be in the band anymore because his teeth are fucked up now. I party as hard as the next guy but you gotta make sure that even as you party you don't let your face get fucked up, because now he looks like he's fucked up. He's trailer park Charlie Sheen. If I was gonna be gay for a night I wouldn't fuck Charlie Sheen, I would pick somebody else. And that's not good. And if you're not good-lookin' enough to make a guy wanna go gay then you're not good-lookin' enough to be in Steel Panther. That's the rule of thumb.

Brad Pitt could still get in?

Yes, yes, Brad Pitt could be in the band. I would totally bone him. I'm not gonna, 'cuz I'm not gay. If I had to bone a dude, I would totally bone Brad Pitt.

The band is touring with Def Leppard and Mötley Crüe at the end of the year, and Mötley are icons of '80s glam metal. Does this mean that Mötley gets first dibs on the groupies?

Mötley is going to have their own groupies that's gonna be there just for them, and Steel Panther, we're gonna have our own groupies too. There may be girls that want to have sex with both bands and there's probably a good chance that we're gonna get some of their sloppy seconds, but there's also a really good chance that they're gonna get some of our sloppy seconds too.

Some of these girls that go to more than one show, we're probably gonna be infecting each other with all kinds of new crazy strains of chlamydia and stuff. The good thing is I've pretty much got all the strains that are out there. I don't have to worry about [it]. I've got a song that I'm writing for the next record called "Can't Catch Herpes Twice," and it's true. It really is true.

Now that you've had a No. 1 album and you're on tour with some major names, do you have more authority to throw your weight around and get really cool things on the tour rider?

I interviewed Steve Adler from Guns N' Roses three weeks ago for some magazine, and he was telling us that Guns N' Roses used to put hookers on their rider. Can you believe that shit?

No.

They used to actually put hookers on their rider. He was not bullshitting me. He told me that and I felt like such a pussy. I'm like, "That's what I'm gonna start doing. I'm gonna just start putting, 'I want a hooker that will have sex with me,' and just put it on the rider." That way if all else fails, and you don't get a groupie, you've got a hooker. It's on your rider. How cool is that?

Pretty bad-ass.

Steven Adler is smarter than he looks, let me tell you.

Steel Panther's new album, Balls Out, will be released November 1 by Universal Republic. Check out Steel Panther on Facebook.

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