Zakk Wylde: No More Beers
GW What was your biggest Spinal Tap moment with Ozzy?
WYLDE In 1989, we were in Albuquerque, which was [late drummer] Randy Castillo’s hometown, and his nine- and 10-year-old nieces and nephews were on my side of the stage. During the show, my pants split from the waistband in the front to the waistband in the back. My balls were just hanging out. The Les Paul was covering my nuts, but it’s like, what am I supposed to do? I can’t stop in the middle of the song and leave. And I didn’t realize his niece and nephews were there, so I start playing behind my head and with my teeth, and here’s my hairy cock and balls dangling around. At the end of the set, Randy went, “Do you realize my fuckin’ nieces were over there, you fuckin’ moron?”
GW Did you ever come across any creepy or psychotic fans?
WYLDE We were in Dallas once and there was some dude who said that Ozzy was God and I was his son, and that meant I was Jesus Christ. And with Ozzy, together, we would all die and be crucified. He got Ozzy’s information and kept calling the office and saying he was going down to the show and we were all going to die. That went on for a little while, and I was like, “Dude, tell him to come on down. I’ll beat his ass right there. If he wants to meet God, I’ll set up an appointment.” With these fuckin’ nut jobs, what are you gonna do? I mean, look at what happened with our beloved brother Dime. I saw him 10 days before any of that shit went down. I went, “Brother, I love you, man. Have a great show. I’ll talk to you in a little bit.” He was coming out this way. I mean, that’s fuckin’ insanity, bro.
GW What’s the craziest thing that happened when you were with Ozzy?
WYLDE We had just got done headlining a festival for 60,000 people in Prague in 2002. The show was slammin,’ and as they’re chanting “Ozzy, Ozzy,” and we’re doing the bow, Ozz goes, “Zakk, have you seen the porn out here?” And I go, “Oh, it’s fuckin’ awesome, dude.” And he goes, “Hey Zakk, why don’t we just round up the guys and we’ll have a porn party in my room.” So we end up leaving the fuckin’ stage and going back to the hotel, and me and Ozz are firing back beers. And then he’s slamming down the cocktails. And when the boss starts drinking cocktails, everybody just heads for the door. It’s time to get the fuck out of there, because once mom [Sharon] gets a whiff of what’s going on, there’s gonna be hell to pay.
So me and Ozz are fuckin’ crocked at this point. It was, like, 3:30 in the morning. And he goes, “I’ve done some crazy shit in my life, but I’ve never thrown a TV out the window.” And then Ozz gets up and tries to pull the TV out of the wall, but it’s bolted to the entertainment center. So I go, “Hold on a second, boss. Lemme get it, bro.” So I wrestle with it and rip the set out, bolts, cables and all. Now I’m holding the TV on my shoulder with the cables hanging out, and Ozzy jumps into the entertainment center where the TV was, and he goes, “Look, it’s the fuckin’ Osbournes, live,” like he’s on TV.
Now, the hotel window was the kind that only opens a bit. Next thing you know, the boss is wrenching on the fuckin’ thing, and the [security] bolt snaps and the window goes wide open. The TV’s getting heavy now, and Ozzy goes, “Zakky, throw it over there,” and I just fuckin’ launched this thing. All you hear is this whistling sound, and when this thing hit the fuckin’ ground, bro—boooom!—the explosion was like a bomb.”
GW Did you have to pay for the damage?
WYLDE It cost me $10,000 for the TV, and I’m telling you, that TV didn’t cost 10 grand. The suite was $1,000 a night, so they charged me and Ozzy $1,000 a night for the time they couldn’t use that room. They said that because the window bolt was broken and Ozzy threw some shit up on the wallpaper, it’s gonna take them at least 34 days to fix the joint. And you know, you and me could have fixed the place in one day. The boss got clipped $34,000, I got clipped 10 grand. And I said, “Okay, well, let’s tally it up here: Beer: $2,450. The TV: $10,000. The room: $34,000. The look on the boss’ face: priceless.”
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