We might've just stumbled upon the greatest Craigslist guitar-for-sale listing of all time.
The guitar, which is listed as "REAL METAL guitar for sale—$400 (Union Square)," is an Ibanez DT350.
"It's the X series, so it's serious as shit," the New York City-based guitar seller writes. "[It's] not for wimp rock or doom metal. It's only for serious riffs and metal.
"It's from 1984 (most likely older than you or your favorite shitty bands). It plays Eighties metal perfectly—Kreator, Motorhead, maybe some Venom, Judas Priest, Randy Rhoads (but if you want to play Randy Rhoads, you should buy a Randy Rhoads, you scum).
"This guitar can also play Motley Crue and Megadeth. This guitar will be perfect for playing in a Motley Crue cover band (but you don't, though, because you don't have the chops).
"THIS GUITAR WILL NOT PLAY DOOM METAL. This guitar needs to play GOOD RIFFS and not BORING doom riffs. If your favorite band is Black Sabbath, I can't sell this guitar to you. If you own a Fender or Gibson and want to upgrade, I can't sell this to you (Ibanez Japanese guitars are the PRIME of guitar craftsmanship crafted by the ancient Japanese wizards—if you think otherwise, you haven't played one of these HEAVY METAL BATTLE TANKS.)
"If you want to play REAL GUITAR RIFFS, this guitar is for you! If you have a Marshall full-stack in your bedroom, THIS GUITAR IS FOR YOU. If you say you are ready to buy this guitar and show up to buy it wearing a Mastodon shirt, I can't sell it to you. I MEAN RIFFS, not some banjo jangle pentatonic shit. If you own an HM2, this guitar is perfect. You can get the perfect chainsaw distortion with these HOT HIGH GAIN RAIL PICKUPS. Real riffs only."
NOTE: Since we posted this story Tuesday afternoon, the original Craigslist ad has been "been flagged for removal"—and removed from Craigslist. We'll re-insert the link when or if the ad is brought back to life. In the meantime, here's a screen shot of the original ad: