People have reported seeing the likeness of the Virgin Mary on lattes, rocks, a Chicago highway underpass and, most famously, a grilled cheese sandwich that eventually sold for $28,000 on eBay in 2004.
“I recently ordered this amazing guitar and quickly realized that it was so much more than just a kickass electric guitar,” Zenteraman writes.
“Upon close inspection, I immediately noticed the unmistakable image of the Virgin Mary holding the baby Jesus (of Bible fame).”
Understandably, Zenteraman was at first uncertain how much to ask for the instrument.
“Given that a mere grilled cheese sandwich with a similar type of image sold for $28,000 in 2004, I have decided to offer this guitar for the price of $10,000,” he writes. Better still, “I am willing to offer a $1,000 discount to anyone who voted for Donald Trump. What a deal, huh?”
To those who suspect the image is nothing more than an anomaly in the ash woodgrain, he offers, “If you have faith and just believe, you will feel it deep inside your heart. If you have no faith, there is no way you can know. Source: Bumper stickers, T-shirts, and Facebook memes”
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Skeptics have already weighed in.
“It looks more like Goastse to me,” one potential bidder writes. “I voted for Clinton. What’s the discount now?”
“Goastse is a false prophet,” Zenteraman writes. “I will have to charge you an extra $666 for voting for Killary. I hope this helps. Praise!”
Zenteraman has played the instrument and assures bidders that it makes an excellent worship guitar. “You can play all of the worship chords and scales on it,” he writes. “Gsus sounds particularly good on this splendid instrument. It also makes worship sweep arpeggios, worship pinch harmonics, and worship multi-octave polyrhythmic bidextral tapping licks a breeze to execute. Your congregation will be in awe...as if they aren’t already.”
While the standard cost of shipping the guitar in the continental U.S. would be about $50, he’s charging $500 “so that I can use the most premium shipping service possible and crate it for maximum protection. This is a small price to pay to ensure the safety and security of this most precious holy artifact.”
As you might expect, all sales are final: “To return it would be an indication that you question your faith or perhaps even faith itself.
“Please pray for this guitar so that it may sell for the full price and reward its future owner with an object that can be displayed as an example of supreme faith in a higher power.”
IBANEZ PGM80P PAUL GILBERT MODEL WITH IMAGE OF VIRGIN MARY HOLDING BABY JESUS
I realize that some of you may be skeptical, so I will try to anticipate and answer your questions in advance:
1. How can I be certain that this is in fact the Virgin Mary and Jesus and not a depiction of another virgin birth from a religion that predated Christianity (Meri and Horus, Devaki and Krishna, Chimalman and Quetzalcoatl etc.)?
We can ascertain that this is in fact an image of the Virgin Mary based on the fact that the Christian God (and his son, Jesus) is the one and only true God. This renders moot any claim of the virgin birth of any other prophet. 70% of Americans do not dispute this, so why are you even asking? Furthermore, there exists no evidence that it is *not* the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. Source: The Bible
2. How can we know that this is an image of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus and not just some random anomaly in the Ash wood grain?
If you have faith and just believe, you will feel it deep inside your heart. If you have no faith, there is no way you can know. Source: Bumper stickers, T-shirts, and Facebook memes
3. These guitars sell for $1399. How can you justify the price of $10,000?
As stated above, when you compare the price of a grilled cheese sandwich (reg. price $5.25 including fries, pickle, and drink) and this guitar, you can see that this is indeed an incredible deal. The grilled cheese sandwich is priced at a markup of 533,233% while the markup for this guitar is a mere 614%. When you consider that the US has had an inflation rate of 1.97% per year since 2004 (when the grilled cheese sandwich originally sold), it becomes abundantly clear that this is an incredible deal. Also, you must consider that my product of divine holiness is a durable good while a grilled cheese sandwich is not. This guitar will provide countless hours of face melting enjoyment for years to come, while a grilled cheese sandwich must be eaten quickly or it will get moldy and make you sick. Did I mention that I am offering a very generous $1,000 discount to anyone who voted for Donald Trump?
4. Will this make a good worship guitar?
Yes. Yes, it will. You can play all of the worship chords and scales on it. Gsus sounds particularly good on this splendid instrument. It also makes worship sweep arpeggios, worship pinch harmonics, and worship multi-octave polyrhythmic bidextral tapping licks a breeze to execute. Your congregation will be in awe...as if they aren't already.
5. To me, this looks more like "Ma" from the 1970s TV series "Little House on the Prairie" than the Virgin Mary. How did you come to the conclusion that this is the Virgin Mary?
Very good question. I concluded that this is the Virgin Mary by taking a brief historical sample of similar images. In no cases has "Ma" appeared on grilled cheese sandwiches, potato chips, a dog's butt, Cheetos or other objects. However, in nearly every case regarding similar images, the image has been Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary. I suspect that if we knew what God looked like, there would also be numerous images of Him (this assumes God is a man, of course).
The guitar is in mint condition. I played it for several hours over the course of 3 days and played one gig on it. Ibanez and Paul Gilbert did a great job designing this guitar. It has an Ash body, amazing sounding Dimarzio PAF Master pickups, locking tuners, and a thicker neck unlike most of the typical thin Ibanez necks. It is very resonant and plays like a dream. I hate to part with it, but this guitar deserves to be in the hands of someone who can truly appreciate it...someone who can feel faith deep in their heart because they believe and have faith deep in their soul...and stuff.
Shipping: While it will probably cost $50 or so to ship this guitar in the continental US, I am charging $500 so that I can use the most premium shipping service possible and crate it for maximum protection. This is a small price to pay to ensure the safety and security of this most precious holy artifact.
Please note: All sales are final on this instrument of holiness and divinity. To return it would be an indication that you question your faith or perhaps even faith itself. Please pray for this guitar so that it may sell for the full price and reward its future owner with an object that can be displayed as an example of supreme faith in a higher power.
Christopher Scapelliti is editor-in-chief of Guitar Player magazine, the world’s longest-running guitar magazine, founded in 1967. In his extensive career, he has authored in-depth interviews with such guitarists as Pete Townshend, Slash, Billy Corgan, Jack White, Elvis Costello and Todd Rundgren, and audio professionals including Beatles engineers Geoff Emerick and Ken Scott. He is the co-author of Guitar Aficionado: The Collections: The Most Famous, Rare, and Valuable Guitars in the World, a founding editor of Guitar Aficionado magazine, and a former editor with Guitar World, Guitar for the Practicing Musician and Maximum Guitar. Apart from guitars, he maintains a collection of more than 30 vintage analog synthesizers.
