You’ll find them on MTV, on the radio and in your weekly arts paper – band names that really suck are everywhere. Perhaps it’s the romantic ideal, but shouldn't a band’s name be provocative, thoughtful and profound? Of course, it should comment on the band’s sound as well as its ideology, its feel, its creed, and maybe even communicate an emotion. Nirvana, for example, Oasis, the Velvet Underground, Slayer, Black Sabbath and the Flaming Lips all express those ideas. So do Venom, the Damned, Kool & the Gang, Dead or Alive, or Iron Maiden. Here, however are a bunch of names that make us wonder, “What the hell were they thinking?” 1: The Beatles Okay, let’s tip this sacred cow first. What the hell kind of name is this? It’s nothing more than a cheap pun, albeit one we’ve absorbed into our musical lexicon. Even Giligan’s band “The Mosquitoes,” had a more engaging name. 2: Limp Bizkit This name is so ridiculous even Fred Durst wanted to change it. Unfortunately for Fred – and the rest of us as well – the band shot to prominence so quickly that it was too late to change anything. Wonder what the genius would’ve come up with next? Puddle of Mudd? 3: Boy Parts – Throbbing Gristle, Revolting Cocks, Iron Sausage… Unlikely scenario: A young girl says, “Mom, Dad, I’m going to see a band tonight” Dad answers, “Oh, good honey. Who’s playing?” “The Revolting Cocks, with Iron Sausage opening.” “”Have fun, dear,” smiles Dad. “And behave!” 4: Girl Parts – Nashville Pussy, Bush, Pussy Galore, Hot Tuna… Rock and roll’s fascination with sexual anatomy often extends to band names. Even though much of this usage is facetious, it’s still hard to say out loud. 5: Scatological Names – Butthole Surfers, Fudge Tunnel, Butt Trumpet A band that names itself after anus-related activities simply can’t – and shouldn’t – be taken seriously. 6: Place Names – Nantucket, Boston, New York City, Europe, Asia, Chicago, Wakefield, Landale… Perhaps the ultimate in dumb names occurs when a band can’t figure out what to call themselves, and resorts to the only thing they can figure out: where they live. 7: Yes They can compose an album called Tales from Topographic Oceans, write a song called “Siberian Khatru” and play the most mind-boggling progressive rock known to man. So why can’t they think of a name more interesting than Yes? 8: Toto Makes you wonder why there aren’t more bands named after dumb little dogs. Scrappy Doo or Spuds Mackenzie, anyone? 9: The Presidents of the United States of America One of the worst-named successful bands of the ‘90s, mainly because there are so many syllables (15) that you can’t say them all comfortably. 10: The Band Rick, Robbie and the boys must have been way, way up Cripple Creek when they came up with this one.
